Hogwarts
by gredforge321
Summary: Dumbedore is away for a secret meeting!A dark and handsome new DADA teacher who all the girls like! Ron being a mime! Read and you will find out what the heck is going on! Review please!
1. Welcome To Hogwarts

A/N: Hey everyone! This is our first fanfiction so please be nice! We've written three chapters after this and we're proud to say that we think it's funny! Of course, we wrote it. Well please be nice. In this fanfiction...no one is in character. I'm telling you this before hand so I don't get flames about that. It's just meant to be funny. There is some kind of a plot, but it's just us making fun of Harry Potter and Lord Of The Rings. We make fun of things we love. Below, I've written the characters disticnt OOC personalities. These are just characters that will appear in this chapter. Other characters will come up later. Remember we have nothing against these characters or J.K. Rowling! Enjoy!! - the lovable, Gred

Characters...

Harry- Tries to be angsty, does not succeed

Hermione- Bossy know-it-all who mothers Harry and always tells him to shut up.

Ron- Tries to be a mime with facial expressions, does not succeed. Figures out plot but nobody can understand him.

Malfoy (Draco)- Also figures out plot, but no body believes him. Becomes paranoid with a twitching left eye.

Oliver- Suddenly disappears at bad times, kind of paranoid, has a big secret.

Disclaimer: We do not own Harry Potter, Warner Bro's, Etc. or getting any profit from writing this. We do however, wish we owned Harry Potter, Warner Bro's, Etc.

And on with the fanfic!!

Welcoming feast in the Great Hall...

McGonnagal: Welcome all students to another year at Hogwarts. Before we start our feasts I have a few announcements-

Harry: (yelling out) hey! What happened to Dumbledorf...I mean Dumbledore? (tries to be angsty) He hasn't told me anything about the order! He's just trying to box me in like Sirius and look what happened to him!! (does not succeed) but it has given me time to catch up on my soaps!

Hermione: Harry! Shut up!

Harry: (looks down) Yes Hermione.

McGonnagal: (annoyed) I was just getting to that. As I was saying I have a few announcements to make. Professor Dumbledore is away on business. For reasons to the plot he wont be returning all year until the climax of this fanfic, which as always will be as always at the end of this year.

Harry: trying yet again to be angsty He always doesn't show up until the climax and I'm almost dead! Everyone is trying to kill me!! Ahhh!!

Malfoy: hey Pot Head! You're stealing my part in this fanfic shut up!

Hermione: I agree with the ferret. Shut up Harry!

Harry: (looks down) Yes Hermione.

Malfoy: (brethily) Did you see that? Hermione agreed with me! I think she likes me! I LOVE YOU HERMIONE!

Hermione: Shut up you dolt! I don't love you! I'm with no one in this fanfic! (throws a goblet at him)

Malfoy: OW! (again brethily) I will let that bruise be on my unblemished face as a symbol of our love!

Crabbe: (in a sophisticated British accent) ugh! This is sickening (stands up and pulls out wand) STUPEFY! Malfoy falls to the ground

Goyle: (also with a sophisticated accent) I agree (also pulls out wand) _locomortor mortis_ (pushes Malfoy's body under the Ravenclaw table)

(everyone stares at Crabbe and Goyle because they aren't that dumb after all)

Crabbe: Sorry Professor McGonnagal. Do go on.

Professor McGonnagal: (shocked) Yes, well. As I was saying, professor Dumbledore won't be here all year. I will be acting headmistress while he's away. And on a happy note, we have a new defense against the dark arts teacher. May I introduce Professor Amor Dilt Delomore. (starts clapping)

(all the girls automatically fall in love with this dark and handsome new teacher and start clapping enthusiastically with the boys)

Professor Delomore: (standing up) Thank you. I would just like to say that I am looking forward to teaching each and every one of you how to defend yourself in light of the rise of the **great and powerful lord voldemort mwa ha ha ha!!** (thunder and lightning in the background) (everyone is too busy entranced with Professor Delomore's eyes to notice he said Voldemort , everyone...except one) (Delomore sits down and all begin eating)

Ron: (cant talk because he is a mime in this fanfiction so he gestures wildly to Harry and Hermionie trying to say that Professor Delomore said you-know-who's real name does not succeed)

Hermione: Ron? What are you doing?!

Harry: yeah. You look like a mime. They scare me. (tries to be angsty and can't think of anything angsty to say about mimes)

Ron: (gestures wildly again) Oh what the heck. I have to be a mime in this fanfic and use only body language because the authors thought I had great facial expressions in the second movie. And so after this I can't say a single word.

Hermione: (plainly not listening) Doesn't Professor Delomore have just the dreamiest eyes?

Harry: (also not listening and trying to be angsty) It's always about him isn't it?! How do you think it makes me feel? (pouts and begins eating)

Ron: (repeatedly bangs his head on the table getting mashed potatoes in his hair)

Hermione: (sighs)

Oliver suddenly walks in

Harry: hey Oliver! Where've you been?

Oliver: (apprehensive in a high-pitched voice) where have I been? Oh I've been nowhere...definitely not by the brooms...what are you talking about Harry? Ha ha.

Professor McGonnagal: (standing up again) I am also pleased to announce our new flying instructor Professor Oliver Wood. (everyone applauses enthusiastically) I'm sorry to say that Madam Hooch has mysteriously disappeared because again of plot reasons so that Oliver could come. Thank you and good night. (all the food vanishes)

Harry: (trying to be angsty) Hey! We didn't even get to eat! No one lets me eat anything! I'm a nothing eater to them.

Hermione: Harry! Shut up!

Harry: (looks down) Yes Hermione.

(everyone goes up to their dormitories and sleeps for the night)

A/N: So? How was our first chapter? If I get reviews I might post the second chapter tomorrow! I promise its funnier! Please review! We really want your feedback! Please no flames!! Thanks!! - Gred


	2. A Very Secret Meeting

A/N: You like us! You really, really like us!! gets teary Thanks to The Reader of the Books and Deep-Ware who reviewed!! I love you guys! Well here it is as promised! Chapter 2! Just try saying Lucius' code name out loud in this! You'll crack up! Oh and here are some more character personalities. – Gred

Dumbledore- Away for a secret meeting, undercover wizard = Gandalf

Lucius- Also undercover wizard = Legolas, girly, very superficial.

Meanwhile in a dark room somewhere in Romania...

Dumbedore: (suspiciously) Alpha bravo foxtrot charlie.

Lucius: (moves out of the shadows) Eh..what?

Dumbledore: _ALPHA BRAVO FOXTROT CHARLIE!_

Lucius: (dawning comprehension) I get it! Um...what was the code again? Oh yeah! (tries to look suspicious but ends up looking constipated) Revlon L'oreal manicure Mabilene (light turns on and we see that the room is actually a nail salon) 

Dumbledore: Why did you pick this place anyway?

Lucius: (sits down at a table and starts soaking his hands) I'm multitasking! I can have a secret meeting with you and do my nails!

Dumbledore: Right...anyway down to business. I call this meeting to order. We will use our code/real names now Lucilas.

Lucius: Lucilas?! Couldn't you think of a better name? What are you then...Dumbledalf?

Dumbledore: (looks down) No...I'm Gandaldore. But we'll fix the names later.

Lucilas: We better! Do you know what my pureblood friends would think if they heard you call me Lucilas? I meant that's just stupid! (starts filing his nails) Why did you call this meeting anyway _Gandaldore_?

Gandaldore: I have found out more about Lord Voldemort! He abusing his powers as an undercover wizard like us!

Lucilas: How is old Frodo anyway? Is he still trying to be angsty?

Gandaldore: (annoyed) His name is Frodevort!

Lucilas: (snorts) You do have fun making up these names don't you?

Gandaldore: Maybe. But anyway, I think that Frodevort is trying to kill Harry Potter.

Lucilas: Oh! He's that boy with the really messy unconditioned hair and that scar that my plastic surgeon can fix in a jiffy!

Gandaldore: Yes, him. I have a hunch thatFfrodevort will go to great new lengths to kill harry. I just hope that harry notices Frodevort before he can do any great damage.

Lucilas: Yes, my son Draco will keep an eye out for us.

Gandaldore: No! Outside of this salon we are enemies remember?

Lucilas: Oh yeah. Well then ill send Draco to hex Harry. I'm sure he'll like that.

Gandaldore: But we have to stop Frodevort before he blows our cover! I don't want to go back to Middle Earth and I'm sure that Frodo wont want to be with Sam again.

Lucilas: Sam was so annoying. Following Frodo everywhere. And he was always so dirty and never listened to me about proper skin care. (stops filing his nails and starts painting them like a French Manicure) But how are we going to stop

Frodo- I mean _Frodevort_?

Gandaldore: I'll send Harry to do the job. I'll just tell him something about another prophecy and he'll start being angsty again and stupidly go to Voldemort to avenge his parents.

Lucilas: His parents...I quite liked his parents. Too bad they died in some hit and run accident.

Gandaldore: It was some job convincing him that Frodevort killed his parents. Those Dursleys were on the right track.

Lucilas: (finishes painting his nails and starts blowing on them to make them dry faster) Hmm. Well you take care of Harry and ill tell Draco to distract Harry's friends. What are their names again?

Gandaldore: Hermione Granger and Ronald Weasly.

Lucilas: Yes...Hermione. Harry and Ron think that I don't like Hermione because she's a mudblood. I just don't like her because her hair is so bushy! I could give her a really good hairspray to take care of that!

Gandaldore: Well I'm hungry so I'm going to disappear and go eat something.

Lucilas: Yes...I'll be seeing Draco soon at Hogwarts I'll tell you what's going on there! (stops blowing at his nails because they're dry) There, perfect! (looks at his nails admiringly)

Dumbledore: This meeting is adjourned.

Lucius: Bye!

(both walk out of the room turning the light off)

A/N: So...what did you think? Was it as funny as I promised? No...well okay. Please Review!


	3. The First DADA Class

A/N: Sorry Sorry Sorry!! Please forgive us! Forge tried to post this chapter on Friday, but obviously it didn't work!! Please don't be mad with us! Well now that our begging is over. Thank you The Reader of Books!! Our first loyal reader!! (tear) randomguy51...lol! Loved your review!

Well here's the chapter!

Malfoy- (adding to his character) Constantly gets stunned by Crabe and Goyle, always tries to make Hermione fall in love with him

Here's the fic! The next morning in Defense Against the Dark Arts...

(Professor Delomore swoops in)

Prof. Delomore: Hello class to a year of learning to defend yourself against the dark arts. I am, as of course you already know Professor Amor Dilt Delomore.

All the girls: (sigh)

Prof. Delomore: Dome of the magic I will be teaching you will be difficult, but it as proven essential to me when I used to be an auror.

Harry: (forgets about being angsty) you were an auror! Cool! OW! My scar hurts!

Hermione: (looking at Delomore) Stop over reacting Harry.

Harry: Yes Hermione.

Prof. Delomore: (moves away from Harry) I'm sure it'll stop hurting soon enough

Harry: Hey you're right! You're cool Prof. Delomore

Prof. Delomore: (again goes close to harry and bends down to whisper in his ear) I think you'll notice that your scar hurts every time Mr. Malfoy has his wand out.

Harry: AHH!! SCAR PAINS!!!

Prof. Delomore: (looks meaningfully to Harry)

Harry: Scar...burns!!! (turns around to look and Malfoy and sure enough he has his wand out)

Prof. Delomore: Mr. Malfoy what are you doing with that wand? Please put it away.

Malfoy: Uh! Nothing! Okay (puts his wand away)

Prof. Delomore: (moves far away from harry) Better Mr. Potter?

Harry: Yeah! It is better when Malfoy doesn't have his wand out.

Malfoy: What does it have to do with my wand! I was trying to make Hermione fall in love with me!

Hermione: I DONT LOVE YOU!!!

Malfoy: Exactly...this spell is supposed to work (stands up and points wand at Hermione) AMORUS!

(before the spell can hit Hermione, Crabbe and Goyle stand up)

Crabbe: (in a sophisticated british accect) Ugh! This is sickening (stands up and pulls out wand) STUPEFY! (malfoy falls to the ground)

Goyle: (also with a sophisticated accent) I agree (also pulls out wand) Locomotor Mortis! (pushes Malfoys limp body under the teachers desk)

Prof. Delomore: Well with that taken care of, we can get on with this lesson. Today we will be learning about Lord Voldemort's goals and achievements in his rise to power.

Ron: (thinking) HE SAID YOU-KNOW-WHO'S REAL NAME!!! I GOTTA TELL HARRY AND HERMIONE!!! (gestures wildly to harry and Hermione that Professor Delomore said Voldemort)

Harry: Ron! That's annoying! Stop being a mime!

Hermione: (again starting at Professor Delomore) Only Professor Delomore would look hot as a mime...he would look hot as anything.

Professor Delomore: Can anyone tell me Lord Voldemort's log-term aims? Miss Granger.

Hermione: He wants to get rid of all muggles and muggle-borns...like me.

Professor Delomore: (takes in the info that hermione is a muggle-born) Yes...very good. Now can anyone tell me what is Lord Voldemort's weakness? Mr. Potter.

Harry: That he's a half-blood. He's not really a pure blo-AHHH!!! MY SCAR!!!!

Professor Delomore: (coldly) you are wrong Mr. Potter. The great Lord Voldemort has no weaknesses.

(the bell rings)

Professor Delomore: I want a foot essay on Lord Voldemort and his rise to power for my next class. You're all dismissed.

A/N: Please review! I know it was a short chapter...next ones longer. Oh and school's starting soon so it will be longer between chapter updates! Sorry! Oh and does anybody know how to do italics and make those little star things come up? REVIEW!


	4. The Great Hall

Disclaimer: HELLO! echo, ok, ok I don't blame you guys for giving up on us, and I am more than convinced that saying a million sorrys won't even make up for the hurt! SORRY ANYWAY! Well, if anyone, and I mean ANYONE happens to stumble upon our humble little story, here it is, in continuation! Enjoy! – Forge

in the Great Hall, breakfast time

Hermione: my, the professor certainly does know about the dark arts, doesn't he?

Harry: ptsh, I bet you say that about everyone, except, you know, THE BOY WHO LIVED!

Hermione: Harry, stop that

Harry: looks down yes Hermione under breath Professor's pet

Hermione: what was that?

Harry: oh, nothing, nothing at all

Ron: sick and tired of trying to tell Harry and Hermione about Delomore being the bad guy, and also sick and tired of being a mime and is about to reveal his secret, when…

Dean: Ron, is that your owl?

Random owl comes and smacks Ron in the head, so he loses his short-term memory, and has, um, some "side-effects"

Ron: stupid owl, looks at the envelop and look, the letter's not even mine!

Harry: I wonder what it could be, angsty no one ever sends me anything, not one thing!

Hermione: then, what's this! gives him the letter, conveniently addressed to him

Harry: uh, yeah, about that… opens the letter uh, it seems to be in some sort of code?

Hermione: let me see this… (reads) – Harry, be wary of your surroundings, keep friends close and enemies closer, and don't forget to eat your peas, ill be in touch with you soon, and keep a close eye on Frodovert your new defense against the dark arts teacher!

Gandaldore Dumbledore

Hermione: Harry, how does this seem in code to you?

Harry: … are you calling me stupid?

Hermione: if the scar fits?

Harry: (pouts angstyly)

Ron: well, it sounds like he suspicious about something going on here, but I don't see why, everything seems normal, but something does seem to stick out in my mind, was there something that I needed to tell you guys…?

Hermione: well, I don't know what Dumbledore's thinking, our Professor is one of the nicest, cutest, uh, I mean, coolest people I know!

Harry: oh, SURE! Be that way, see if I care

Hermione: Harry, you know that I don't

Harry: (can't think of a response quick enough, so pouts some more)

Ron: oh well, we'll ask more questions when he returns from, wherever he has gone, I wonder where he went… (ponders)

Hermione: you guys just simply need to be more trusting that's all, (checks clock) oh my, we're almost late for herbology, let's hurry guys!

Harry: oh yeah, let's all _hurry for herbology_, ptsh, (angsty)

Authors note: well, that's it, I know its not the best, but at least its something! For more, and better stories, stay tuned, I have a feeling that this summer, the weather wont be the only hot thing around! Stay tuned for more, and don't forget to R-E-V-I-E-W!


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